A New Take on OCD

OCD develops when we dissociate from our anger and it takes on a life of its own, becoming something that feels scary and out of control. This is why OCD entails so many checking behaviors – we’re trying to gain a semblance of control over something we refuse to acknowledge or be responsible for: the anger at people in our lives. 

OCD often manifests as fear of violence and death. It could entail fear of germs, knives, someone breaking into our house, running people over with our car, or the house burning down from an unchecked stovetop. Hypochondria is a type of OCD, believing we have a deadly illness. I also consider both preoccupation with, or excessive fear of, horror movies to be a type of OCD. 

OCD is fueled by guilt we feel for our dissociated anger. 

The violent images are our brain’s way to communicate our anger – anger we need to connect with, in order to bring resolution, through boundaries and assertiveness. When we deny the anger, pushing it down, it refuses to be ignored, feeling more dangerous than ever. But when we move toward it, understanding why it’s there and what it needs, the OCD diminishes, because our brain no longer needs to be dramatic in order to get our attention. 

OCD can also play the role of distracting us from things we want to deny. For example, I might have OCD that makes me obsess about the health of my teeth, which serves as a welcome distraction from the reality of my marriage. 

I regard disordered eating as a type of OCD, in which there’s a hyperfocus on food and body, successfully distracting me from the pain of feeling unloved by a parent or partner. Focusing on my teeth or body gives me a sense of agency, as opposed to the helplessness I feel from not being loved. It allows me to cling to the hope of finally feeling loved once I achieve the perfect smile or weight. 

It’s not uncommon for my clients to be terrified of death. They subconsciously believe their anger might kill someone, and they feel responsible for it.  

Yet once they connect with their anger, understanding it and knowing it’s valid, the guilt ameliorates, and they feel peace. They’re able to express the anger out of their body by saying in fantasy what their body wants to say, as well as learning to be assertive, creating boundaries and accountability. 

There’s another type of OCD-like guilt that I see in people who are abusive. These people are often haunted by guilt for how they’ve neglected or abused someone, but instead of true confession and change, they seek reassurance – from the very person they’ve abused – to assuage their guilt. They want the child they’ve neglected to reassure them that they really are a good parent, instead of actually becoming a good parent for the child. 

I witnessed this with my father, who, starting in my young adulthood, would tell me how haunted he was with the idea of death, and particularly, of hell. I could never understand why an agnostic Jew was so preoccupied with eternal punishment, or why he would tell me, of all people, about this preoccupation. I now realize he unconsciously saw me as the reason for his guilt, as a part of him was tormented by how poorly he treated me. He was implicitly hoping I’d say, “You have no reason to be afraid of hell Dad! You’re such a good father and person!” 

Instead of admitting the guilt, apologizing and doing better, he chose to stay in denial, as so many parents do, but never received the reassurance he wanted from me. Today at age 85, you can imagine he’s terrified. 

Many people have some form of OCD, especially according to how I define it, which includes disordered eating, hypochondria, and pronounced fear of or attraction to horror. Most therapies for OCD focus on remediating symptoms but don’t address the roots of guilt and anger. When we finally allow ourselves to connect to the anger and validate it, it’s no longer dangerous or guilt-producing.

When we make anger conscious and put it into words, we master the anger, instead of the anger mastering us. The solution isn’t necessarily easy, but it really is simple – and incredibly possible. 

OCD sufferers: there is so much hope! Let’s participate in our own liberation by finally attuning to our inner child, letting her know her anger is valid, and feeling it with and for her, protecting and advocating for her, letting her know she matters and she’s no longer alone. 

OCD is ultimately a symptom of self-betrayal, but it doesn’t need to endure. 

Let today be the day.