Not All Grief is Complicated

Years ago I read an autobiography I found in a free library by Maureen McCormick, the famous child actress who played Marsha in the Brady Bunch sitcom of the early 70’s. One of the most surprising things to me was Maureen’s somatic response to the death of her mother. She’d always been thin and fit, but when her mom died, she suddenly couldn’t stop eating and she gained an incredible amount of weight. She admitted to feeling like there was a void inside her that she was trying to fill with food. 

Since then, I’ve noticed a number of people my age have the same experience when their parents die. Some who had never before had weight problems and took great pride in their physique. 

Why do some people feel empty when their parents die and others do not? Many people, including myself, feel relieved when parents die – and not only b/c the parent is no longer suffering. There’s the now-infamous book, “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jeanette McCurdy, which has prompted people to share more honestly about how difficult life was when their parents were still alive. I’ve reflected on this podcast how relieved I was when my mom died, b/c my mom was dead inside while she was living. There was honestly nothing to lose, and even less to miss.  

So why is it that some of us feel relieved, while others feel empty upon a parent’s death? I would say it’s what we therapists call “Unfinished business.” This usually entails that our inner child is still longing for the parent’s approval, and b/c it was never fully given, there’s a lack of closure. This also creates great shame for the adult child, who will often continue to seek the parent’s approval by doing what she was conditioned by the parent to do, such as become financially successful, or make people around her happy. 

It’s an exercise in futility, as it’s incessant and never satisfying. She will only find temporary fulfillment, only to feel empty once it wears off. We can look at examples of the Elon Musk’s of the world, to see this manifested in the extreme. When we refuse to give ourselves our love and approval, we’re compelled to have to prove ourselves through other means.  

The good news is, grief doesn’t have to be complicated. We can rise up to finish the business for ourselves. Sadness from loss will always be painful, but can be simple, just like with a pet. But if we have shame from never having cemented our parents’ acceptance, it will remain until we consciously reject it and the metric they used to measure our worth by. 

When we recognize our parents aren't capable of giving us their full approval and recognition, and we give it to ourselves – we’re free to allow them to leave us, both physically and emotionally. Finishing our business allows the ghosts of our parents to finally dissipate, and we have peace. 

So let’s do it right now. I want to lead you, dear listener, in what I call an Integration Exercise. 

Close your eyes and imagine you’re looking in a mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Say silently to yourself, “I see you Bronwyn, and how lost and empty you feel, b/c you’ve never felt fully seen by our attachment figure. I don’t blame you for feeling sad and ashamed, but I need you to see what I see when I look at you, b/c I what matters to me isn’t your outward appearance or abilities, but your heart. I see you, and what I see is good. I see the good, bad and the ugly when I look at you, and it’s a net good in my eyes. 

I need you to see that the lack of recognition you’ve received from our parents isn’t a reflection of you – but of them. So let’s take all the shame you feel as a result and put it into a big cardboard box, and give it back to them. 

I’m sorry I haven’t done this for you sooner. I’m sorry I allowed you to feel so unseen and so desperate for so long. Please forgive me – I had no idea all that time how much you needed me, or how powerful I am for you. I won’t abandon you again, b/c now my eyes are open. I’m here to rescue you, and you belong to me now.You matter to me. Your feelings matter and they are valid. Now we’ll feel them together, b/c what’s shareable is bearable, and feelings are overwhelming in isolation. Our feelings are there to give us wisdom, and to tell us what we need, and I am now committed to meeting your needs consistently. 

You won my love the day you were born, and you will have it until the day you die. There’s nothing that can ever detract from my acceptance, and I will be in the front row seat of your life, cheering you on, your superfan. I will be the true mirror, giving you the only reflection you can trust. 

Now that you have my approval, you are free to be true to yourself, and to disappoint the hell out of everyone else in the process. You no longer need to betray yourself, b/c you’ve got nothing to prove. We’re complete.