Uprooting Shame

It’s said we have to understand the enemy in order to beat him. So today we’re going to understand shame, the enemy of all humanity. Let’s do some reconnaissance 

Shame’s greatest strategy is to divide and conquer. This begins by dividing us from our very self. Shame creates a division within us keeping us from becoming whole, exiling us from ourselves. When this takes place, instead of being able to trust ourselves and give ourselves our approval, we find ourselves perpetually outsourcing these roles to others. 

Shame is not native to humans and babies aren’t born into the world with shame, rather,  it’s received from others. This, of course, begins with our parents. Now, to be fair, parents are humans, and naturally fail their children, often unintentionally causing them to feel shame. This is primarily done through emotional neglect or what is perceived as such. It can be communicated accidentally, when a child feels judged or like a parent is disappointed with him. It can stem from perceived favoritism of a sibling.

Yet there are also parents who are so filled with their own self-contempt, they use the child as a scapegoat, perpetually deflecting their own shame onto him. The child serves as a shame-receptacle, which we call a scapegoat. Although shame is always detrimental, the scapegoat is subject to next-level shame.

This creates a vicious cycle, as the shame keeps the child from trusting and attaching to herself, so she perpetually relies on others – including the very parent who shames her – for approval. This Catch-22 is also why victims of abusive partners will stay in the relationship – they’re addicted to finally winning the approval from the shaming partner they can’t give themselves… because of the shame from the abusive partner. Shame is weaponized by the abusive parent and partner to keep the scapegoat close and dependent, and it works. 

Shame isn’t a feeling. We actually don’t feel anything, because humans dissociate from shame. What we might feel instead is confusion, reactive anger,, or an urge to flee or freeze. Like the fight, flight, freeze responses known from trauma, as shame causes trauma. 

Also like a trauma reaction, scapegoats fawn in response to shame, subjecting themselves to attempt to deflect shame. Abusive people will at times fawn when shamed as well, although it is manipulative in nature.

Instead of being a feeling, shame is a belief system based in lies. Like tree roots of a dead tree, the belief system isn’t apparent, but hidden under the surface.

When we attempt to plant a tree sapling, in what appears to be good soil with sufficient sunlight, fertilized and watered, the tree never grows, as it’s competing for nutrients with deeper, pre-existing roots.  This is why therapies that only work with the mind don't work – they only address the surface, and never remove the dead roots beneath. 

The goal is to remove all the ground cover – the addictions and compulsive behavior we use to dissociate from shame – and dig down to expose the roots, pulling them up for once and for all. 

We do this by revisiting the experiences when shame was first planted in our lives: specific memories where we were shamed by a parent, authority figure or bully, and imagine giving back the shame to said person. 

Instead of viewing triggers as negative, they become ripe opportunities to dislodge shame. Each time shame is uprooted, also uprooted is a distorted belief: that we don’t matter, or that we’re defective, or inherently flawed.  

As someone who has spent the last several years uprooting shame, using each triggering event as an entry point to do so, I can honestly say that at age 55, I feel more confident, peaceful and alive than ever before. Don’t believe for one minute this is the result of simply growing older, because I can reference many people my age and older who are as insecure as they were at age 15. There’s no doubt it’s due to the work I’ve done to uproot shame. 

This is my desire for you as well, dear reader, as shame is the common enemy of all of humanity.

Here’s the template for an Integration exercise to dislodge shame. 

Start with reflecting on the last time you felt triggered – recall that this often entails the fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. We also can feel confusion. A triggering event often causes reactive anger, or to dissociate via addictions or compulsive behaviors. 

Think about the last time you were triggered. Did you find yourself suddenly needing a drink or scrolling to oblivion? Did you find yourself feeling anger that was disproportionate to the situation – what we call overreacting? Did you do something that later made you say, “I don’t know what got into me” or “I wasn’t myself”? Did you find yourself freezing, or needing to immediately exit? 

Once you arrive at a recent triggering memory, close your eyes and imagine you are back in that situation. Say to your brain, “Thank you for all your hard work, brain, but I’m going to have you take a break so I can drop down into my body and feel what it felt when this happened.” Now notice what you feel in your body. Once you feel the sensation, focus on it and allow your mind to float back to the first time you remember feeling a similar sensation. 

Once you have a memory, picture your younger self. She could be 5 years old, or just a month younger than you now. Imagine you go to her and get on her level, looking her in the eyes. Say to her:

“Younger Bronwyn, I see you, and I know how ashamed you feel right now. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, I know what’s been said or done is very shaming. But I need you to see what I see now, and that the shame you feel isn’t a reflection of your deficiency, but a reflection of the person who is shaming you. So let’s put all the shame in this cardboard box and give it back to them, returning to owner. We can let them know we were mistaken all this time, thinking it was ours, but turns out, it’s theirs.” 

“Please forgive me for not doing this sooner. Please forgive me for allowing you to feel so desperate and alone for so long. I had no idea you needed me all this time, or how powerful I am for you. I will never abandon you again, because my eyes are open now, and I’m here to stay.”

“Now we can feel our anger at the person who hurt us, and we won’t feel overwhelmed by the feelings, b/c we’ll feel it together and what’s sharable is bearable. Your anger is valid, and it’s there to give us wisdom, so we can meet our needs, through boundaries and assertiveness.” 

“From here on out, your anger will no longer put you at risk of abandonment, because now you have me, and will never be alone again. I will now be the trustworthy mirror that consistently gives you a true reflection. ”

“I’m pleased with what I see, and you’ve won my acceptance and approval. You won it on the day you were born, because what I love isn’t what you do, but what’s inside, your heart. You will have my approval until the day you leave this earth, and nothing can ever detract from it. Now that you have me, you’re free to be true to you – and to disappoint the hell out of everyone else in the process.”

Then take your younger self by the hand, and say, “C’mon, let’s get the hell out of here. This isn’t a safe place for you. Let’s go somewhere that is. I’m rescuing you.”